“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” John 12:24
After four years of marriage, I thought I was finally ready to be a mom. For some reason, we thought it would happen quickly. And so every month I waited to see if this would be the one; maybe I would get pregnant. After nine cycles of disappointment, which felt like an eternity at the time, we decided to see a specialist. The doctors saw some concerns and we did tests.
And we waited.
And then we decided that our whole life was hinging on the “what if” of every month, and so we booked a vacation. The day before we were to leave, I saw what I had been waiting to see for 12 months, a positive pregnancy test.
Finally, it felt like life could begin. Now, we had something.
It was the tiniest of miracles, so very early and fragile. We left on a ship to Mexico the next day, and I took what must have been 20 tests. Honestly, I couldn’t believe that it was happening and I kept thinking it would disappear if I didn’t check.
Thankfully, my pregnancy continued and I gave birth to a beautiful and passionate little girl. And then in a way, a new part of me was born too.
I’m a bit of a planner and a recovering perfectionist, so I “knew” that it was going to be difficult; I made sure to study. We read books and went to some classes and those were all well and good. But then, after a series of nights that were high on anxiety and no sleep, my daughter came into this world with so much to voice but no words to use.