This week I am joining up with Seth and Amber Haines in a linkup on love letters. At the first of every month they write letters to each other based on different themes. This month the theme is Holy. I'd encourage you to pop over to runamuck.com and check it out, they are beautiful. Or, post one for yourself on their site!
I remember a time when I believed I was too broken to be loved. I felt like I was damaged goods and a nice Christian boy like you wouldn’t want such a complicated girl like me.
There was a web of lies and hurt that had grown in me and it was difficult to believe they weren’t true. At the time I felt used up and alone. I was in the midst of several life transitions and had been shaken out of my typical cycle of performance that would usually cause me to feel valuable.
The lie that tended to be strongest was that I was simply too much. This lie was rooted early on in my life when I began to realize that I felt things on a very deep level. This, paired with the fact that my family was long on love, but also on dysfunction, allowed that belief to grow. Often times we talk about our worth in terms of not “being enough.” But in this case, I think the scale can swing to the other side. For me, this felt like a constant reminder that I was too intense, passionate, needy, and sensitive. I was always watching the other person and their reaction to me to see whether or not I could be myself.
This lie also fueled my perfectionism. If I did things right, maybe I wouldn’t be too much for this person? Maybe then you won’t want to leave?
So with all this to deal with, our meeting was inconvenient. Recently out of a break up, literally the last thing that I really wanted was to meet someone.
But then I met you.
Right away, I felt your confidence, strength, and stubbornly optimistic view on life. I noticed your big smile, love of adventure and insatiable desire to live. I loved your gentle and safe arms that reminded me that I am enough; I am loved.
It was you who taught me what it means to be loved for who I am, versus what I do.
It was you who showed me that sometimes the most tangible touch of Jesus is through the hands of someone you love. And you didn’t do these things knowing what they would create. I love that you did them out of who you actually are. Your love for me created a holy place, where I began to see myself as the Lord saw me. For the first time in my life, I really “got it.”
Your actions told me this: Our love can be trusted. You are valuable. You are enough.
So here I am, 9 years later. I’m still grateful for this love that we have. It is more precious to me than any other human connection. This love has fueled the courage that it has taken to work through many of the wounds and lies that I believed about who I am and who I was.
And yet I’ll say this: I don’t believe that our love continues to be strong on accident. We cultivate, honor and continue to create the holy place we’ve been given. We honor it in every difficult conversation where we decide to show up with respect rather than malice. We honor it through our decision to work at it when it seems like we have no idea what the other person is talking about.
B, I am confident that no matter what hardships have come or may come, I will always choose you. And, I see every day that you choose me, too.
With all my heart,